Many people have anxiety about fitting in. What this means varies with each person and may mean being liked, accepted, acceptable, or some version of what you think will be attractive and pleasing to the other. From this point of view, fitting in requires that you try to be just like the members of the group you want to fit into. Probably, you will put aside your own needs and desires and accede to the wishes of others. It can feel risky to express your thoughts and feelings. The anxiety of fitting in uses up a lot of energy as one works so hard at going along with what it seems others want. In fact, when so much time is spent trying to shape yourself to what others are like, you don't have the time or perhaps the conscious desire, to develop your own unique self. As a result, there is little opportunity to develop what YOU think and feel.
The experience of not fitting in can have a serious impact on how you think about yourself. Trying to make sense of the experience can lead to the question: what is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with me? Trying to figure out the answer to that question can lead to ruminating and obsessive thinking with a focus on your negative thoughts and feelings. A fear of rejection further erodes your self concept and increases anxiety about reaching out to others.
If you feel badly about yourself and are timid about letting people you wish to be with see who you are, the chances of being ignored or not seen are increased. This can affect your self esteem and self confidence and become part of a vicious circle that prevents you from reaching out to others. When you feel badly and vulnerable to rejection it makes sense that you will be cautious about revealing who you are. When you do this, you are not present for others to relate to. As a consequence, the timid, anxious person will likely end up feeling rejected even if there are no negative feelings directed toward them.
When one can be a fuller person with their own ideas, thoughts and feelings, a person who can express their wishes and desires and say what they want and express what they are feeling, then there is an individual to react to. While the reaction can be negative, the chances that there will be a real dialogue and interpersonal connection are increased. You are no longer seen as invisible and will be reacted to for better or worse. This means your have to learn what you want, think, and feel and become more willing to express yourself. It also means that your have to tolerate the possibility that someone will not wish to include you in their social circle. If this can be tolerated, the chances of developing one's self and then a social network that welcomes you, is vastly increased.
Dave came to see me for psychotherapy because he was feeling depressed and lonely. Dave had graduated from college two years before and felt he couldn't make friends or feel like anyone was interested in hanging out with him. In college, he had a few people he would do things with, but he never felt they reached out to him or that they cared one way or another about being with him. Dave told me that he would observe them carefully to try and figure out what they liked and what was important to them so he could be like them. He thought that might get them to be more interested in him. This didn't seem to work in college and it wasn't working with people he met through work. There were a couple of people he socialized with on occasion now, but not very frequently. He couldn't figure out why they weren't more responsive to him since he tried so hard to please them. For example, he knew they liked baseball so he bought tickets and told them he had gotten them for free and would they like to go to a game? They accepted, but that didn't make them more sociable with him. He tried to organize people getting together at a bar he overheard them saying they liked and a few people from work did show up. But he knew this same group went out to bars and never invited him.
Dave couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong and why people didn't respond more positively to him: "I try to do all the things I think they will like, but no one ever invites me anywhere." I asked Dave what things he would invite them to that are of interest to him, not them.
He looked puzzled by my question and then said "I guess I don't know. I never really thought about what I want or like. It has always seemed that the way to be liked and to get people interested in me was to do what they liked or be like them." I pointed out to Dave that this wasn't working. I also asked him if there had ever been a time in his life when this did seem to work.
Dave thought a while and said he thought in the first years of elementary school, he had some friends. He recalled being worried that nobody wanted play dates with him. He also remembered his mom telling him that if he wanted the other kids to want to be with him, he would have to do the things they wanted to do. Dave remembered that he loved to draw and paint and do art related projects, but his school friends were into action figures and sports. He said his mom encouraged him to put away his art stuff and get more involved in the activities his friends enjoyed. He did this for a number of years, but by fifth grade, even though he kept trying to figure out what his peers liked to do, they seemed less interested in him. I asked him what he enjoyed doing in the later grades of elementary school. He couldn't remember any interests after stopping his art work. He said he never thought about what he wanted to do. He just kept trying to figure out what to be interested in so his peers would want to be with him.
I could see that Dave had developed a pattern where he had been neglecting the development of his self. He was not familiar with his own thoughts, feelings and desires. It is hard to feel good about oneself, to feel self confidence and self worth, when one has not developed their own unique self. Dave needed to allow himself to discover his unique self and begin to cope with the anxiety of revealing that self to the world. As he did this, I believed he would find that people would be responding to him in positive ways and would wish to develop social relationships with him. When this occurred, I felt that Dave's depression would lesson and he would develop greater self esteem and self confidence.
©Copyright 2011 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
I have been a psychotherapist in private practice for over 25 years and work with adult as well as older adolescent individuals. My practice includes group therapy, couples therapy and marriage counseling. I specialize in a wide range of issues including, but not limited to, anxiety, depression, relationship and marriage problems. I have a particular interest in working with people who have concerns about individuating from their families. I work with problems about intimacy and developing long-term relationships, separation anxiety, parenting, creative blocks, empty nest syndrome, chronic pain and family and work conflicts.
Although the idea of starting therapy can be scary, it can also be exciting. Therapy is a process of discovery about you which can help you create the life and relationships that really work. It is a process where I help you to talk and learn about your thoughts and feelings. As we focus on the issues you bring to therapy, our talks will affect the ways in which you relate to the world and the impact the world has on you.
My clinical approach is not based on one particular theory. I don't see what I do as "one size fits all." As I get to know you, the theoretical approach or approaches I take will evolve from our work together. I recognize and respect how different we all are. This means I make a particular effort to work without judgment.
I work in my office on the Upper West Side of New York and I do sessions by phone for those people who travel or are not in New York.
You can learn more from my website: http://www.beverlyamselphd.com/
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